If DW Were Real
by Insertmanyfandomshere
Summary: Just gonna leave this here. It's all in the title. Alright, there are 3 chapters of this stuff, and I'm done.
1. Chapter 1

**Do you know how stupid it would be it Dynasty Warriors was actually realistic? **

* * *

**Eating**

**Sun Ce runs in the middle of a battlefield beaten up badly. He breaks a pot to hold up a whole chicken. **

**"Sweet! Health!" He bites into it, tearing away meat and chews slowly. He gulps down and takes another bite. **

_**An hour later...**_

**Sun Ce is only halfway through the chicken and is still chewing. A soldier wearing yellow runs by and stops to see him still chewing. He stares blankly before taking out a bow and aims an arrow at him. He releases the arrow.**

**"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The arrow is stuck in Sun Ce's cheek and he runs around yelling out in pain. **

* * *

**Gold**

**Lu Bu sits on top of a really giant hill of coins with the number 999999 hanging above his right side. He sits high up in the air while putting his head in his hands with a bored expression.**

**"I guess I could just donate most of this to all of the poor farmers..."**

**Lu Bu gets a huge crowd of peasants around him as he tosses coins out of his gigantic pile of gold. **

**"Wow! You're so benevolent, Lu Bu!" Liu Bei is seen standing a few miles away from the pile of gold while making a fist. He angrily yells at the giant crowd,****"What the hell is this bulls*bleep*?!"**

* * *

**Family **

***During the release of DW7***

**Sima Zhao happily runs over to Sima Yi and says,"Brother, I heard you are also a newcomer with me! Isn't that cool?" Sima Yi coughs into his fist.**

**"Ahem... Um... I'm your father."**

**"Haha! Good one, Shi! That's so funny! Father is an old man! No way you could fool me with that!"**

**"No, I am your father. Your brother is over there." He points to Sima Shi standing off looking around. Sima Zhao stammers and throws his arms down in frustration.**

**"B-But... Why the hell are you so young?!"**

**"...You make it sound like a bad thing."**

**"It is!"**

***During the release of DW8***

**Sima Zhao walks up to Sima Yi with Zhang Chunhua standing next to him.**

**"Cool, is this my sister?"**

**"Uhhh... No... This is your mother." **

**"Oh, come on! Why does everyone here look the same age?! This is so wrong on many levels!"**

* * *

**Weapons**

**Guan Ping goes over to his giant sword and attempts to pick it up. He strains loudly and only shifts the sword around in the dirt. **

**"GRRRRRR! Stupid sword-" A loud tearing noise is heard. "AAAAAAAAHHH!" His arms are ripped off at the elbow and are stuck on the handle of the greatsword. **

* * *

**Languages**

**Li Dian was speaking in Japanese while Xiahou Dun looks at him with a raised eyebrow.**

**"What are you saying?" Subtitles appear under Li Dian.**

"I said to borrow your... Something!"** He receives a punch to the face. **

**"We're in China! Speak English!" Li Dian rubs his cheek while mouthing "what?".**

* * *

**DW Intros**

***DW7 intro***

**Zhao Yun picks up Liu Shan and gets on a horse. He rides away from an army of soldiers as Xiahou Yuan shoots at him with arrows. He falls off the horse. A loud crack is heard. Zhao Yun makes an uneasy face and looks down on his chest where the flag holding Liu Shan is stained with red.**

**"Uggggh... Oh no..." **

**Wei soldiers stop and one lone person yells out,"Booo! You suck!"**

* * *

**Swimming **

**Xiahou Ba falls off a cliff and hits the river below. **

**"Ahhhh! Help! This armor is weighing me down!" Guo Huai looks from the cliff and yells at him,"Just take off the armor and swim!" **

**"I can't! Bllghbghg...!" He sinks down in a few seconds. Guo Huai coughs loudly to the point it sounds really fake and says without being actually sympathetic,"Oh no...! He drowned...! KOFFF! I couldn't do anything about it...! Because I'm sick! KOFF!"**

* * *

**Long Hair**

**Zhou Yu unleashes his musou that involved him spinning his staff covered in fire. He holds his staff behind him, letting the flames on his staff spread to his hair. His hair eventually is engulfed in fire and he yells out to run around, rapidly patting his hair down. **

**"AAAAAAARGH! HOT! HOT!"**

** Cao Ren stands a few feet away from him and turns to a soldier to shrug with a confused face.**

* * *

**Weapons Pt. 2**

**Zhen Ji plays her flute, but nothing happens to the soldier in front of her. She then hits the wrong note, causing the soldier to break out of his trance. **

**"S*bleep*! Uhh..." She hits the flute onto the soldier's head, but he only yells out in pain while holding his head.**

**"Ow! That hurt!" He takes out his sword and uses the pommel to hit Zhen Ji in the head. **

**"Ow!"**

**"Not so fun when it happens to you, huh?!"**

* * *

**Armor**

**"Alright! We're off to kick asses despite the fact we're two seventeen-year old girls carrying very unrealistic weapons of time!" Bao Sanniang and Guan Yinping run out of the garrison, but Guan Suo stops them.**

**"Wait! What about your armor?" They stop and turns to him. **

**"What's wrong with we're wearing?"**

**"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." He looks at their revealing clothes and skirts and puts on a nervous fake smile. "Nothing... Just wondering if you're cold, that's all... Heheheh..." **

**"Nope!" **

**"Alright..."**

**_After the battle..._**

**Guan Suo looks nervously at Guan Yinping and Bao Sanniang as their bodies were covered in arrows and badly scarred. **

**"Alright! We did it! We can go hoooome..." The two fall down to the ground and Guan Suo makes a very uneasy face.**

**"Uhhhh... Yeeeah... I tried to warn you two about that..."**

* * *

**DW intros Pt. 2**

***DW5 intro* **

**Zhao Yun breaks down the stone soldiers with his spear and keeps breaking until he reaches the palace where Cao Pi was standing. Zhao Yun is about to attack when Cao Pi points at him and yells out,"Those were ancient relics, you careless piece of s*bleep*! You destroyed hundreds of years of history!" Zhao Yun freezes and turns to look at the shattered statues with a face of guilt. **

**He turns back to Cao Pi. ****"Sorry...?" **

**"Boo! You suck!" was his response.**

* * *

**Dying**

**"I will leave everything to you... Ugh..." Lu Meng dies in Lu Xun's arms.**

**"Nooooo! Master Lu-Hey... Why are you still breathing?" Lu Meng mutters under his breath,"Damn it..."**

* * *

**Eating Pt. 2**

**Sima Shi breaks a pot to hold up a bowl of rice.**

**"What the heck is this? Where's my meatbun?" He tosses it over his shoulder with a scoff. **

* * *

**Childbirth (According to Empires)**

**"Come on, hang in there! One more push!" Sun Quan is sitting next to Lian Shi as she was lying in bed with nurses around them. She grunts and groans as sweats begins to cover her face. The nurses all stand over at the end of the bed to receive a young man covered in blood into their arms. **

**"It's a boy!" Sun Quan happily exclaims,"He's beautiful!" **

**"Wait, what?! I thought I was supposed to have a baby!" yelled out Lian Shi in shock.**

* * *

**Romancing**

**Guo Jia stands in front of Cai Wenji with two speech options floating in front of him. **

**[I like women.]**

**[I like music.]**

**"Phhst. That's easy... I like music, of course." He clicks on that option and Cai Wenji happily responds,"Oh, is that right? Well, I hope to see your work sometime." **

**Your bond with** Cai Wenji** has grown.**

**"What? That's it? This is has to be a mistake..." He waves his hand in front of Cai Wenji to get no response. He pokes her multiple times and nothing. He stomps the ground and yells,"This is a sham! Where's my sex scene?! I can't even talk to her again in order to increase the bond more!" Cai Wenji whispers to him with grited teeth,"This game is rated T."**

**"Don't I get a kiss or something?"**

**"You can haaaaaave..." **

****"****MY BIG GAY DANCE!"****

**Xu Chu suddenly appears and starts to dance to techno music, causing Guo Jia's eyes to spew blood and him running off covering his eyes.**


	2. Part 2

**Do you still know how stupid it would be it Dynasty Warriors was actually realistic? **

* * *

**Being a woman of power**

**In the Empires world, a young woman/little girl sits on the golden throne with a court filled of only men.**

**"My next order of business is to have Xu Shu marry me. And Cao Pi. And Lu Xun. And Jiang Wei. And Wen Yang. And-*insert every pretty man that exists*."**

**"Um... We're not poly-"**

**"Do as I say! BITCH!" **

**"Ahem..." Jia Xu raises his hand and the young woman/little girl yells out,"Who let this ugly thing in?!" **

**"Excuse me, I think it is who let YOU in here..." He takes out a pair of glasses and puts it on while reading a booklet. "Last time 200 A.D. happened, women were not allowed to have power over anything. And we're not polygamist."**** The young woman/little girl makes nervous expression as the men in her court begin to look at her with displeased looks. Jia Xu adds,"Also, 'Yuki Hakama' is not Chinese. Neither is 'Megan'. And this name you gave another woman in the army, which we will deal with later, is named 'Huang Xue'."**

**"So?"**

**"Huang Xue means 'yellow snow'."**

* * *

**Children wives**

**Zhou Yu is walking with Xiao Qiao when suddenly Zhu Ran pops out from a bush and aims his bow at Zhou Yu. He is wearing a police uniform while wearing a fake mustache. **

**"Staaap right there, molester!" **

**"I am not molesting anyone."**

**"Bulls*bleep*!" Zhu Ran unleashes a giant barrage of arrows at Zhou Yu, making him eventually fall down covered in arrows. Sun Ce walks by with Da Qiao and he politely greets him.**

**"Hello, Zhu Ran."**

**"Good day to you, sir." Zhu Ran then looks at the arrow-covered Zhou Yu and says with disgust in his voice,"You are a sick bastard..." Sun Ce agrees blindly,"Yeah! He should be in jail! Let's go, my dear." He happily walks with Da Qiao while Zhu Ran is kicking Zhou Yu's body. He eventually stops and shows Xiao Qiao a doll.**

**"Now show me where he touched you."**

* * *

**Attractive Gods are Attractive**

***Warriors Orochi universe***

**Nu Wa walks by soldiers and they stare at her with droll coming out their mouths.**

**"I really want to bang her..."**

**"Is it legal to bang a god?" Fu Xi appears next to them and says,"You people are saying you want to bang your creator?" **

**"Sorry! Uhh... Yes...?"**

**"Nu Wa's indirectly all of you's mother." **

**"Wait, what?!" **

**"BLARRRRRRGH!111"They all turn green and puke loudly.**

* * *

**Characters that are supposedly 'old'**

***That hypothetical DW8 stage where Sima Yi got the rest of his screentime from***

**Sima Yi knocks away several soldiers working for Zhong Hui and a text box under him has Zhang Chunhua tell him,"Are you sure you're alright, my lord? Remember, you're not as young as you used to be." The text box is about to disappear, but Sima Yi grabs it and holds it in place.**

**"Excuse me?" He is talking to Zhang Chunhua through the text box with her face on the left. "What about me is not young? HELLOOOOOO? What exactly is not young about me? Don't make that face at me! Change it to a normal face, not an angry one!"**

**"Nothing-I mean..."**

**"Maybe it's YOU that's not as young as you used to be. Because you clearly have awful eyesight." **

**"All right, you don't need to be a dick about it." **

**"No,no! What exactly is making you say that I 'am not as young as I used to be'?" **

**"I made a mistake, okay? I'm sorry I failed to notice your vampire youthfulness and clearly good sense of hearing." She reaches out of her spot and makes Sima Yi let go of the text box, letting it disappear.**

**"Aw, just walk away..." said Sima Yi dryly. A lone soldier is standing a few feet from him is staring.**

**"What are you looking at?" said Sima Yi coldly to the lone soldier.**

**"Nothing...! I'm gonna go!" He quickly runs off.**

* * *

**OC/Mary Sue fanfiction**

**Liu Bei sits in a desk with his hands folded in front of him as Fa Zheng and Zhuge Liang approach him.**

**"Sir, people are dying. There are is a shortage of rations and we don't know what to do about it."**

**"We've even started to kill Snowballs 8 to 40 in order to feed everyone. Ma Chao is planning to rebel against us for doing that."**

**"Yes..." Liu Bei starts to talk in a hoarse voice, "Yes... The state is dying and we have only one hope..."**

**"No, please... Don't."**

**"We need..."**

**"Liu Bei, please! You're going to make things worse if you call one of those things!"**

**"...Meghan." The two break down to the ground and begin to yell out exasperatedly. **

**"NOOOOOOO!" **

**Somewhere, the camera slowly pans to show off people dying and the land dried up. Dust blows small tornadoes and tumbleweeds bounce along the dry lands. A boot steps on one and the camera pans up to show a young woman/little girl in revealing armor making a serious face looking off. She suddenly turns to the camera and makes a peace sign pose while sticking out her tongue playfully.**

**"Yut-da!" The camera pans down for you to see Xu Shu chained to her leg with writing on his forehead that read "This girl's hubby".**

**The scene quickly switches back to Zhuge Liang and Fa Zheng sobbing at the floor. **

**"What kind of name is Meghan...?"**

**"Why does she look like a Roman sounding like the people over on that tiny island* over there...? I don't get this!"**

**"Hey, at least Xu Shu's gone."**

**"Yeah."**

***Japan**

* * *

**Romancing Pt.2**

**Cai Wenji is meeting with Guo Jia in Ambition Mode. "I have... one small request. Could you come to my chambers later on?" **

**"Whoo! Sex scene! I mean... Of course!" **

***Few minutes later***

**Guo Jia is painting a coat on a wall with a disappointed face.**

**"This isn't what I had in mind..." He finds a note on his paint can that read: "You didn't get your sex scene, so you can have..." Xu Chu breaks down the wall Guo Jia was painting on,"THE BIG GAY DANCE!"**

**"No! Get out of here!" Guo Jia whacks Xu Chu away with his paintbrush, but Xu Chu still has the techno music playing and is dancing to it, much to Guo Jia's dismay.**

* * *

**DW intros Pt.3**

***DW8 intro***

**The sun slowly turns into Zhou Yu looking off at the large fleet of ships before him. Zhuge Liang walks next to him and fans a giant gust of wind. Fire arrows are then released to be guided by the big winds and Zhao Yun runs past Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang. They made nervous faces and and yell at Zhao Yun,"What are you doing?! Stop!" Zhao Yun jumps into the direction of the wind tunnel thing. **

**"Doh! Ow! Agrh! Oah! Oughgh!" He gets hit with multiple fire arrows and is set on fire. Zhou Yu yells at him,"You were not supposed to be a human pincushion! The plan is ruined! Your stupid general will doom us!" Zhuge Liang says dryly while fanning himself,"He was never very bright..." Zhao Yun's body is carried by the strong winds and his burning body flies towards Yue Jin standing on a ship. **

**"What the hell-Warrgh!" He is hit with the body and from afar, the Wei ships start to become covered in flames. Zhuge Liang changes his demeanor and makes a thumbs up gesture while smiling.**

**"Mission accomplished! That was part of my plan!" Zhou Yu sighs and turns away to walk off muttering,"Sure it was..." **

* * *

**Pots**

**Xiahou Ba is covered in bruises and is runs with a limp while whining,"Arrrgh... I can't find a pot anywhere! Ahuahuahahu!" The bottom left of him shows his health bar in the red. He continues running and finally sees a pot in the distance.**

**"Yes! Thank the gods!" He runs towards the pot in excitement and when he is about to reach it, a green-clad person with pointed ears and blonde hair runs past him to break the pot before him with a loud yelp. **

**"Ha!"**

**The green clothed person picks up the chicken health item and holds it up above his head with triumphant music playing for him for a few seconds. A blue text box appears under him.**

**You got: **Fully Cooked Cucoo**!**

**Xiahou Ba breaks down in tears and falls onto the ground in despair. The green person looks at him confused and walks off with the chicken. **

* * *

**Yaoi fanfiction/doujin **

**Two mannequins with brown ponytail wigs are in a suggestive sex position that are clearly being controlled by strings. Both were in stereotypical Japanese school outfits. The strings make the mannequins act like they are having sex. The camera pans up to reveal two people with Koei written on their shirts with the wooden handles the strings are connected to. One of them asks to the other,"Are you sure this will work?"**

**"Phht, it will earn us the same amount the money if we actually used the real people. You're good with Photoshop, right? And let's be realistic here! Jiang Wei and Zhong Hui making out and doing butt stuff in a Japanese school locker room while in Japanese school clothes! Hahahahaha..." He sighs and his voice turns serious. "No wonder China hates Japan..."**

* * *

**Yuri fanfiction/doujins **

**The same Koei worker chuckles lightly and then starts to laugh loudly.**

**"PHHHHT! KAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT? Okay, that might make some money... Hahaha!" **

* * *

**Heterosexual fanfiction/doujins**

**"KAHAHAHAHA! PPPPPPHHHHHHHHT-WHAT? What's that? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" **

* * *

**(Almost) Infinite Storage**

**Guan Yinping drags a giant sack of low-grade weapons with one nice special unique weapon sticking out behind her up the steps of a castle. **

**"Sooo... heaaaavy...!" She reaches the top of the castle and heads over to the edge slowly. Once she finally reaches it, she takes the wrong step and drops the sack, letting it crash into through the top level of the castle. She winces at the large hole and the people that got crushed along with it. The K.O. counter to her right makes dinging noises as it increases. **

**K.O. Counter: 345 - 500**

* * *

**Grinding**

**Xiahou Dun cuts through soldiers and gets to a box. He breaks it open and gets a pouch of gold. **

_**Victory!**_

**"Alright, I can now upgrade-"**

_You need 78 more Material and 789 Gold to upgrade the Teahouse._

**"Fine." **

***Sixty skirmish battles later***

**Xiahou Dun groans loudly as he weakly reaches for a bag of material and collapses onto the ground. His arm does pick it up and the victory music plays.**

_**Victory!**_

**"Yes... Finally..." **

_**You need 1 more Material to-**_

**"F*bleep* this s*bleep*!" Xiahou Dun throws the material onto the ground angrily and storms off****.**

* * *

**Romancing Pt. 3/Weird ages**

**"That's it! I'm done! I am never talking to anyone again!" Guo Jia is about to storm out of the city, but a message appears above him.**

Zhang-

**"Nope."**

-Chunhua **has requested your presense. Will you go?**

**"Oh. A little better I guess... Oh well, they say third time's the charm."**

**Guo Jia skips through Zhang Chunhua's dialogue boxes quickly and then says,"Do I get my sex scene now?" **

**"You can have something even better. You can have..." **

**"Oh no... Not the big gay dance..." **

**But it wasn't the big gay dance. Out of a bush next to them, Zhu Ran pops out and aims his bow at Guo Jia yelling,"Staap right there, molester!"**

**"Molester?! This is a grown woman and I'm not even touching her!" **

**"Not according to her documents! She's fourteen! And with you being already a registered sex offender, you can add pedophillia to your list of crimes!" **

**"I was only talking-"**

**"BULLSH*BLEEP*!" Zhu Ran unleashes his arrows onto Guo Jia fiercely. He falls down onto the ground and Zhu Ran goes over to him.**

**"That'll teach you to molest little girls!" Sima Yi walks by and stops near the situation.**

**"Come along now, Chunhua. I don't think you'd want to be exposed to this violence. Though you commit plenty of violence yourself. Good day to you, officer." Zhu Ran happily greets him back and returns to being angry at Guo Jia.**

* * *

***Bonus scene***

**Guo Jia weakly sits up and yells to Zhu Ran while pointing at Sima Yi,"Take him! He's the molester here! He's the one married to the fourteen year-old!" **

**"Bulls*bleep*!" Zhu Ran quickly turns around and begins to shoot at Sima Yi, who was already running away, but still gets hit and is mowed down by the arrows.**


	3. I promise there's no more

**Do you STILL know how stupid it would be it Dynasty Warriors was actually realistic? **

* * *

**Running as a Woman**

**Lian Shi runs away from arrows with Sun Quan. They stop to take cover behind a tree. **

**"We have to get rid of them."**

**"Nrragh..." Lian Shi pushes on her chest while groaning in pain. **

**"I can't run with these damn breast implants..." She bends herself back to create a loud cracking noise. "Ow! My spine!"**

**""What's wrong?"**

**"What's wrong is these sacks of sand on my chest!" **

**"I don't see anything wrong." **

**"Me either." The two turn to see an archer staring at Lian Shi with his bow down. Lian Shi hits him in the face with her crossbow angrily.**

* * *

**Eating Pt. 3**

**Zhang Bao breaks a pot to hold up a roasted chicken. He looks down to his left and sees his health is in the blue.**

**"Meh. No harm and eating this." He eats the chicken and continues his run through the field. He breaks another pot to pull out another chicken. his health is still full and he shrugs.**

**"...Weeeelll... I can't let this go to waste..." He eats that.**

***An hour later***

**Zhang Bao trudges along while groaning and holding his bloated stomach. **

**"Urrgh... Uhg... I ate so much..." Xing Cai runs next to him yelling out,"You didn't need to eat every single chicken you find!"**

**"But... It would go to waste by disappearing into thin air..."**

* * *

**Music**

**Your typical Dynasty Warriors soundtrack plays in the background as Han Dang runs across the battlefield. He stops and yells out angrily,"What is that damn noise?!" He sharply turns around to see a band playing loudly as they bobbed their heads violently to the music.**

**"HEY!" The band quickly stops and look up with widen eyes. "Cut that out!" **

**The band looks down sadly while they carry their instruments as they walk away from the field. **

**"Aw, that was my jam though..." said a disappointed Sun Jian standing nearby.**

* * *

**Horse Physics**

**Ma Chao rides towards a large army of soldiers and stops.**

**"There are too many of them." A text box with Ma Dai on the left of it appears under him. **

**"Use the boost to get through!"**

**"What boost? This is a horse! Where is the boost?!"**

**"Press Circle to use the boost! Now try a somersault!" **

**"I can't do that-Whhhaaagh!" Ma Chao's horse suddenly glows and speeds through the army with ease, knocking away soldiers. He falls off the horse, but he manages to grab onto the saddle just in time. As the horse runs fast through the giant mass of soldiers, Ma Chao flaps around while firmly holding onto the saddle and yelling. The horse slows down, letting Ma Chao to climb back onto his horse. **

**"That was... interesting..." Ma Dai appears again as a text box under him.**

**"Now do a barrel roll!"**

**"There's no such thing!" **

**"You're becoming more like your father." Ma Chao takes out a knife and angrily jams it into Ma Dai's head while it was still in the text box. Ma Dai frowns and says as blood trickles down his face,"Oh... Right..."**

* * *

**Heels**

**Zhen Ji runs behind a few soldiers until she trips and falls down. A loud crack is heard. **

**"Argh..." She looks at her foot to see it was bent with a giant mosaic censoring a red blot near her ankle. **

**"...Uggh... I hate these shoes..." She sees Zhang He running past her in similar shoes as her.**

* * *

**Climbing ladders**

**Xiahou Dun climbs a ladder and feels something poke his behind.**

**"Agh!" He looks down to see a soldier so close to his behind, the animation glitches for his head to be into his butt. **

**"Come on! Go!" yelled out the soldier.**

**"Get your head out of my ass!"**

**"I have no idea what you're talking about. All I'm trying to is to get to the top of the castle." **

**"Could you at least go down a bit?"**

**"How about you go up and let us do our job here? Huh?! Just go up ahead of me and problem solved, okay?" **

**"Fine." **

**Xiahou Dun climbs upwards, but not fast enough so that soldier agains gets stuck in his animated behind. **

**"You're doing it again!"**

**"You climb too slow!"**

**"This is the fastest I can climb!" Upwards at the castle wall, an burly enemy soldier takes a boulder and throws it downwards towards Xiahou Dun. ****The boulder hits him in the head, causing him to fall off the ladder, and down towards the ground far below. The same soldier remains on the ladder and continues climbing as if nothing happened.**

* * *

**NSFW fanart **

**Long objects censored by mosaics are flapping near a terrified Xu Shu.**

**"So many dicks! Why Pixiv?! WHHYYYYYY?!" **

* * *

**Jumping from High Cliffs**

**"Last one down the mountain has to buy!" yelled out Gan Ning as he speeds ahead of Ling Tong. He chases after him. Gan Ning makes a grin and hops off the mountain path to fall towards the ground.**

**"Hahaha! Sucker!" **

**Ling Tong stops to look over and flinch when a loud squish is heard. He looks over again to wince slowly. **

**"Ooh... Bummer... Ew... A vulture is getting to it..."**

* * *

**Dw Intros Pt.4**

***DW6 intro***

**Zhao Yun runs towards the river while the soldiers standing on boats were ready to attack him. He takes one step and falls into the water. **

**"Waagh! Phht!" Zhao Yun instead swims towards on boat and climbs onto it slowly. He sees feet in sandals and he looks up to see Jesus Christ. **

**"Oh... Hi?"**

**"Hello." Jesus Christ gives Zhao Yun a kick to the face, sending him back into the water.**

**"Only I get to run on water, BITCH!"**


End file.
